Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.