I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.