I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello