@RobDenBleyker: I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she's a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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@wilw: Dog: I like pizza. Me: You've never had pizza. Dog: It's food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I'm not giving you my pizza.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying