I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.