The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.