#Caturday
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random