@iamk1ts: Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn't home.

@bug_hugs: MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

@joejwest: [pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues

@noog: World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

@SherBoBer: WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!