I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*