i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Bootstraps
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.