I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
The sacred texts.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
kids play hide and seek like