I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
The Friday File.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime