I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah