I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.