I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”