I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.