I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
#dnd #ttrpg