I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes