I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one