Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one