I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.