@House_Feminist: I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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@paperphotoyo: My neighbor can't understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can't understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
@SilleVio: I don't like to brag about my cat-like reflexes. That said, could someone please call for help? I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
@Lisabug74: A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
@TheToddWilliams: COP: Where were you the night of the murder? CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer