@House_Feminist: I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
@2014longview: If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.
@duplicitron: What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.