@House_Feminist: I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure
@david8hughes: [job int] "& what are your areas of weakness?" [leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers] "I don't like people touching my nose."
@Playing_Dad: Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
@ericsshadow: For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.