@House_Feminist: I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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@jazmasta: My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl's house after watching "How I Met Your Mother" with her.
@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
@KeetPotato: priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?" me: "SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS" priest: [slowly closes bible]
@ibid78: [sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] "NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]