I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
How dude HOW?!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.