@YourFavMexi_Can: "I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat" - me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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@abbycohenwl: Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@briangaar: Hi I'm Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can't kick a football. I'd like to talk to you for a second about insurance
@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!