@YourFavMexi_Can: "I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat" - me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi's baby.
@NOT_UmaThurman: [Jesus on a blind date] Christians: "Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture"
@hurlarious: I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
@LackOfShame: I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.