I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.