I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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Okay, I’m still confused…
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Oh deer
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.