@Troman88: I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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@rationalists: Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.
@IAmKatieOrr: I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling "Wilbur, you include your brother!"
@Jmboyd58: *driving my date to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
@SteveSuckington: [2 guys at open mic night] What are we gonna name our band? [from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*