I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You Might Also Like
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The only equipped I am is ill.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
plums roundup
Best mom ever 😂
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”