I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
the three genders
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
this has to be peak English
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.