I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell