If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈