Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle