*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
*updates tinder bio*
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.