Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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This makes total sense…
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I feel attacked.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe