Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Why is no one talking about this?!
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
jesus, what did this guy do
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”