@BradBroaddus: I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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@realHamOnWry: [Deathbed Confession] I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
@oolah: If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
@huntigula: WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
@tarashoe: when i'm stressed i close my eyes and imagine i'm on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach