I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.