Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.