@Quartzjixler: I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
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@Home_Halfway: ME: Hey you haven't talked to me lately, are you mad at me FRIEND: No things are just really awful ME: Oh thank god FRIEND: What
@aka_fatman: Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
@jake_likes_naps: The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single