Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people