I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
the last thing a carrot sees
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Thrilling chase underway
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this