You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that