I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
You Might Also Like
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Beware of fowl play.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Breaking news:
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me