@sarah1mc: I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
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@captainkalvis: ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.
@StansaidAirport: I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
@millercycle: me: *tries to put in eyedrop* eyelid: just to be safe, let’s assume the eye drops are actually acid