me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.