@NinjaFuneral: I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
@Tmoney68: [At microphone] *clears throat* "Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap." *crowd cheers* "Thanks for attending my dance recital."
@SalmaElWardany1: Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
@KentWGraham: MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.