TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Raisins are grape jerky.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Comparing yourself to others
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.