I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
#NoRestForTheWicked
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.