I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
That’s what I call a flat tire
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.