“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
the noise i just made
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.