I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*