@NickSwardson: I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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@ComedySpeech: Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.
@Token_Geezer: Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday' But he also wrote 'Obla-de-obla-da' and 'Ebony and Ivory' So, don't worry if some of your tweets are shit
@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.