I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster