I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston