I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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😂 amazing answer
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.