I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog