I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My current situation
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture